crooked souls.

It seems as though everything I knew to be pleasing and lovely has suddenly swapped with the hideous and the unwanted. I am not sure what to think anymore. I am doing things I never would have imagined my Self to do the days previous to this one. I have cried more painful tears and remained calm which is not my normal way of living. I have almost forgotten what it's like to laugh to the point where I think I might need a change of pants.

I am a crooked soul trying ever so hard to stay up straight.

oh snap!

I go through a lot of moments where I find something breathtakingly beautiful, but the moment is ruined simply because I do not have a camera. I can't handle it anymore.

That's why I have decided that...

I, Madison Beardall, will carry my camera with me everywhere till the day it breaks. When it does break, I promise to purchase a new one as soon as possible.
A secret project.
I am excited.
It is a lovely project, I think.
I can't wait to show you when I finish.
Prepare yourselves to be amazed.

Radio, radio, tell me something I wanna know, wanna know.

Avec Amour,
Madison

books, books, books.

If I were to work at a library, I would enjoy seeing the regulars in corners wrapped up in a book. Little children with smiles on their face carrying a stack of picture books that is too much for them to handle. Sharing your favorites with those who need help searching for something delightful. A rather attractive man checking out your favorite novels.

It's a romantic situation, don't you think?  It would be very romantic to meet the man of my dreams in the middle of bookshelves filled with books containing poetry or some romantic book genre. He would ask me what my favorite book was and I would give him a list containing classics and books that aren't as well known to other readers. He would ask me to help him find some of the ones I liked and then check them out. He would become a regular, and every time he stopped by we would discuss books and our life. Eventually, he would ask me on a date. Eventually, he would ask me to marry him and I would have to say yes because I love him dearly. 

And all of it began amongst the bookshelves in a modest library.

Read a book.

twenty pebbles.

I want to be...

If I ever became famous, I would have to be on a Got Milk poster.

I am pretty ecstatic that it is finally May. It is a very promising month. 

Here, take some song lyrics:

"I keep my head on straight

and my eyes wide open

I try to move forward

wishing and hoping

I took a hold of myself

In the middle of November

Don't you look back now

It's all I can remember

I feel like I'm leaving

Like I'm leaving home

Like the clouds are parting and I'm not alone

I'm learning to live

I'm learning to learn

Starting to sing my song

right or wrong

Breaking away

Setting me free

Freedom in my own life

I'm learning to live"

Live May lively.

Lahve Always,

Maddiey

First

To see a letter I wrote last year to my husband visit HERE.

{an excerpt from the journal of Maddiey}

"Dear Husband,

If you ever get your hands on these journals, I hope you laugh. Laugh with me and cry with me. If you find a thousand names of men... let's just say I love men- I am a teenager, what do you expect?

But you are the man I love the most. I will always love you. We will live our life together... We will cry together, laugh together. We will hold hands. We will love each other way past the end of forever."

Dear Hubby,

Not much has changed. 

I still love you.

I have an explanation for all the guys in my journals: I fall for all of those guys, hoping that one day one of those guys will be you. I will always love you more than all of my silly crushes. I am itching to meet you. I can't wait for our first. First conversation. First date. First kiss. First day of forever.

be a gentleman

sing (even if you stink)

smile constantly

stay true 

Lahve forever and always,

Madison (your wife)

Life is Beautiful

From the sky to the dirt under our feet, everything is beautiful. It seems that we all forget where we are and we don't realize how much life has to offer. I am guilty too, although I try not to be. We all are bound to have bad days. In reality, those bad days are days where we forget to see what is all around us- Beautiful Life.

I find it therapeutic to take yourself, and only yourself, out on a walk in nature. You take your time and throw your cares behind you. You breathe slow and affectively. You smile and laugh at the humorous sights you see. You drink in every simple moment you may see- a mother laughing with her daughter, a young boy learning to ride a bike, teenage boys getting competitive while playing basketball, little girls dancing in the yard wearing dress-ups. Life goes by too fast to let it all fly by us.  

Yesterday was the day of 'princesses and pirate ships'. The day of endless questions. The day where it didn't matter whether or not your clothes matched or if you had jam ear to ear. A time of big smiles and squinted eyes. (My yesterday) Bangs that rest an inch a way from your forehead, overalls and tennis shoes; and a lady bug sweater (oh and don't forget the matching pants...) A time of dancing in your living room with your dolls to the Great and Fantastic 90's music.

Today. Reality hits. You struggle to find yourself in a crowd of thousands. You question whether you want to fit in or stand out. You discover your talents and your dreams. You sing anything and everything, everywhere you go. You primp yourself hoping you look beautiful. You go to dances without yesterday's possessions of dolls and dress ups. You wear a beautiful dress and accompany an attractive young man to the dance. Your clothing matches the fashion of the day and you wear make up. Blemishes and [trying to impress the] boys. Friends and laughter. The time where you have the most up and downs. Lots of tears, lots of laughter.

Tomorrow. The future. You will never know what will be next, but what you do today will reflect in your tomorrow. Paint your life the way YOU want to live it. Cry a little here, laugh a little there. Enjoy every sunrise and sunset. Breathe in, breathe out. 

Life is Beautiful and so are you.

Lahve always, 

Madison

Day Twenty: January

I have had a lot to think about this month. New goals, new wishes. I have thought a lot about what I believe in and the person I am becoming. I have had new challenges. I am a new person every day, unsure of what I am going to say or do. It's fine because in the end, I am happy with where my life is headed. I have experimented a lot of new things. I've gained a greater respect for God's creations, my friends, and even more for myself.

I have enjoyed the sparatic days when the sun warmed the earth. I have enjoyed the many parties and get together's that have brightened my weekends, the chance to start driving without an adult in the car. The chance to set new goals and be who I want to be.

Enjoy your last day of January.
Lahve always,
Madison

p.s. At the bottom of my playlist, there is a song that is new to my playlist. It's called Listen to Your Heart. You may have already heard of it, but that's okay. I suggest you listen to it. It's my favorite.

Day Nineteen: Regrets

I have plenty of regrets. The eat me away, sometimes to the point where I don't think I can take it anymore. There is one regret that keeps coming back to me. It is the one regret that I can't seem to get rid of or control. 

My regret is:

Words. 

I'm a human that struggles with saying the right things to others,  judgmental thoughts, and making sense. I sometimes can't find the words to describe my emotions or experiences. Sometimes I think too hard about what to say that I miss my opportunity to say it. When I say hurtful words, I wish there was some way to shove them back into my mouth and try to re-say it, but in a way that isn't so hurtful. I regret conversations that are awkward, and I didn't do a thing to make it un-awkward.

I deal with this regret every day. I am human. I try to be better, but I slip up sometimes. 

Feel good about yourself and don't regret a thing. (I should listen to my own advice)

Lahve always,

Madison

Day Seventeen: I Can't Pick Just One

Okay. I can't just pick one favorite memory. It's just too hard. If I were to pick one, I would think about it for hours on end. Then, I would realize that it isn't my absolute favorite memory and I would go and change it. This cycle would just keep going and never end so... how about I just describe what makes a perfect favorite memory? Yep, that will have to do.

 This is a matter of opinion so you don't need to agree with me. It's fine.

[For me] Life's best memories are fairly simple. They don't always have to cost a fortune. Now I'm not saying that expensive trips are no fun. If I said that, I would be lying. But the simplicity of the moment makes everything spectacular. Simple things like: a guy twirling you while you slow dance, laying on the creek trail with your gal friends, soaking in the sun; realizing your strength/ability and run ten miles, pinning flowers on your date as you get ready to go to a formal dance, walking along the beach, shoeless, picking up any sand dollars that appear to still be whole; studying and learning about your passions in life (not to be confused with the stuff that teachers shovel down your throat); dancing and/or singing to your favorite music (while your alone in your room), talking and/or thinking to yourself, and the list goes on.

The simple things allow you to remember that you are breathing and that you are human. You are enjoying life.

Live life to the fullest.
Lahve always,
Madison

Day Fifteen: Dreams

I watched the movie A Walk To Remember today. I decided to do the same thing Jamie did in the movie- make a list of life ambitions. Ain't it ironic that that is basically what today's post is about?

My dream is to find my prince. Grab a white dress and suit, and both of us will end the day wearing simply beautiful rings. We will be married in the beautiful castle in Salt Lake and be together forever- even after death.

I dream of one day becoming a professional photographer. Taking pictures of other peoples' beautiful wedding days. And let's not forget, I will take pictures of my beautiful kids. They will have to learn to be photogenic because I am their mother, and I take billions of pictures.

Some simple dreams...
Like Jamie, I would like to be in two places at once.
I would like to spend this next summer, fearless, carless, and shoeless.
I would like to spend everyday of my life laughing with my friends.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Dream Big.

Lahve always,
Madison

Mine

I lay on my bed, breathing. I decide to pull out my old shoe box. I open the first envelope. Inside are pictures of us making mud pies and castles, and others of us dressed up: you, a super hero/cowboy; and me, a lovely princess. 

Then, after looking at every photograph, I put them back inside the envelope and grab another envelope. Inside this envelope is pictures of us dresses up for the sixth grade valentines dance. You have a few grass stains from recess football on your sunday-white shirt, and I am wearing sneakers because I dislike looking fancy/frilly. There is also pictures of us covered in sand, head to toe.

I carefully place the photos back in their envelope and pull out another one. This one has senior year. There are photos of us after running marathons. You're President of the student body. I perform in choir concerts. And of course, senior prom. We are both looking our very best- this time, you don't have any grass stains from recess football, and I am wearing heels (so that I don't look super short next to you). Both of us are smiling big.

Before I open the last, massive envelope, I gaze down at my left ring finger. I smile as my diamond reflects in the sun.

You're the best thing

 that has ever been mine.

Day Fourteen: Again.

I swear I just did this post! Yeah, I did. Four days ago.
That's okay.
Again, I don't find it important to tell you what I am wearing.

Can I just say I am addicted to photography? Yes, it's true. Everything I think always ends up being related to photography in some way. This summer I plan on putting together a shoebox full of photos. My favorites. Summer memories. Best smiles.

The sun came out today. It is getting warmer. I always hear that it gets warm before the storm. I hope that's not true. I just want it to be warmer.

Don't be afraid to take chances.

Lahve always,

Madison

Day Nine: I Believe

For your enjoyment,  here is a list of thing I believe in (in no particular order):

1) I believe God is there. He loves us and wants us to be happy.

2)I believe Everyone is beautiful in their own way- including myself. 

3)I believe A photograph speaks a thousand-plus words.

4)I believe In wishing wishes, dreaming dreams.

5)I believe People shouldn't be afraid to be themselves.

6)I believe Telling yourself that your going to be happy everyday makes you happy- everyday.

7) I believe Laughter is the best sound.

8)I believe Music is the greatest food for the soul- and chocolate.

9)I believe Talking/thinking with yourself is very therapeutic. 

10)I believe in writing in your journal. Telling it your stories and secrets- they won't tell a soul unless you let them.

11)I believe Every girl deserves a romance- their "Happily Ever After"- including moi.

12)I believe Breathing in and seeing nature is therapeutic.

13)I believe in good writing, beautiful pieces of art.

14)I believe smiling and laughing is healthy.

15)I believe in running. It helps me clear my mind.

16)I believe no one should be afraid to cry when they need to.

There is to many too list and too many too many to remember. That's okay. I think this will do. 

Believe in yourself.

Lahve always,

Madison

Day Eight: Just a Moment

The other day my brother asked me to help him make his lunch. It took me a while to get started on it because I was in the middle of doing something. When I finally got on his sandwich I realized that it was 1:11PM. Oh yeah, I freaked out and yelled, "MAKE A WISH!!" I squeezed my eyes shut, getting ready to wish. My brother got impatient and decided to start making his sandwich. He was sick and I couldn't allow that so I put my wish aside and helped him. By the time I turned around to make my wish, it was 1:13PM.
"Thanks A LOT, Brayden!" I said sarcastically.
Then there was a slight pause, a silence.
"sorry..." he replied.
I tried so hard not to laugh, but that didn't last very long.
He seriously asked me, "What?"
"Nothing... {snicker, snicker}..."
To try to make me "feel better" he said, "Well if you wait ten more minutes, you can make another wish- 1+2=3 (1:23PM)!"
I never remembered that wish. Oops.

Day Five: Definition of LAHVE

Love is what brings family closer, what keeps friends laughing. The two "f" words you can't live without.

Love is a stranger who pulls over to help you change the tire on your car.
Love is a dear friend who listens to your nonsense.
Love is what makes and sometimes brakes a girls heart.
Love is simplicity.
Love is the sound of the man's voice that makes me melt.
Love is the sound of laughter.
Love is the tears that you shed for another human being.
Love is adventure.
Love is the adrenaline you feel when you try something new.

To my friends:
I love you guys. Really, it's no joke. You add color to my black and white photograph. Your tears are my tears. Your joys are my joys, too. You guys help me realize the beauty and simplicity that is all around me. You allow me to adventure, try something new. I trust you. You are great. You are awesome- you have the most amazing smile (Validation)

To my family:
I love you. I would be nothing without you. Our frustrations and the pain we feel only makes us closer. With you, I can be anything I want and I don't have to worry about being too much of anything. We are all odd with many differences, but we come together to make one lovely family. You are my friends- some of my bests. Don't change. Don't leave. Let's be a forever family.

Give love. Take love. Be love.
Lahve always,
Madison

Day Three: Got to Lahve these WEIRDalls....

If you wanted to get to know the strangest people I know, these two would probably be it.

My dad has a beautiful smile. His laugh is more like a wheeze, a search for air, but I must admit: it is quite contagious. He can answer any question you ask him. If he doesn't know the answer (which is extremely rare) he'll Google it for you. He is constantly making cheesy jokes, making it impossible to be bored at our home. He makes the best cookie dough and homemade bread. Some days, he will come home from work and say, "Hey I worked out today, can you tell?" Uh... yeah, dad...

My mom is always running. Running outside, running errands. She is always working hard to make sure our family is running the right way. She is very creative. She always knows how to make you laugh. Unlike my dad, she struggles to work the computer. It's hilarious to just sit there and watch her try to work things out ;) Sometimes you wouldn't know she is 43- She tends to act like a teenager. She is very social and headstrong.  She has a killer whistle that I believe will make me deaf one day.

You can never be bored with these crazy kids at home (oh, does that make you feel young? sorry, you're not ;). When you get them together, they go crazy. They make life at home colorful. Moving out after high school is going to be harder than I thought.

Ma, Pa,
I lahve ya.
Don't forget it.

Lahve always,
Madison

every girl needs romance

  

this one is for you Marisa Oswald- one who 

thinks even two blades of grass can be in love

Romance is like chocolate- women love it and can't seem to live without it. (i made that up... i personally think it is a good one!) 

Every girl needs romance. Just sayin'. Last night I watched a movie- can you guess what kind of movie? Yep. Romance. I have seen the movie before, but for some reason it ten times better this time! I guess it's because I haven't read/watched any romances yet this year. Yesterday was the first. It was so good I cried. Well, almost. I stopped myself before it got weird.

My mom challenged me to read books that don't involve any romance. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done! I've attempted this one book at least three different times. It's difficult but I am doing it. It will definitely be something I will be proud of.

love always,

Maddiey

tears, twinkle lights, and confusion

 my mom said it was time to put my
twinkle lights away.
i am very sad.

 it was a eerie to think that school was truly back in session. (eheew, don't even mention it, Maddiey!) i am still on strike with grammar- okay, all except for when i am in english...

as fourth period ended, i walked solemnly down the hallway by myself. at first i wasn't thinking about much, and that's when i realized something odd (odd is my new word... for a little while...). i realized i didn't remember ever coming to school this morning! i was a little confused how i got inside the school ( i wonder if my face showed it... people probably found it funny). i had to convince myself that Brenna's mom gave me a ride to school, which really did happen. when i reached the end of the hallyway (oh wow... i am not going to delete that hilarious mistake... hehe.), i met up with brynn. it was an odd greeting. i was still trying to figure things out. i am not sure what fried my brain. it must be the new year and new adjustments. (Maddiey, you better adjust quick!!!)

i desperately want to drive. but i know that with all the ice, there is no way my mom would want me to take the car. one day i would like to get my own car. a junky car. old fashion. yes, i want an old fashion, junky car.

i have to laugh at my almost-ten-year-old sister, Kenedi. she is trying to understand the fact that Joseph isn't Jesus' father- Heavenly Father is. She understood that Heavenly Father was Jesus' father but she kept getting her Josephs mixed up. She was confusing Joseph (Jesus' half-father) with Joseph Smith. She said, "So there's two Josephs? One is Joseph Smith and the other is Mary's Joseph?" I find it funny that she called him "Mary's Joseph."

be happy and try not to get confused.

lahve always,

Madison

p.s. friends, just because i  sign the end of my blog with Madison doesn't mean i want to be called that. please still call me Maddiey

p.p.s. i got a new light bulb for my reading lamp.

hello world

hello world,

welcome to the new year.

i love new years. it's a chance to become new. a new you. its a chance to put behind your past completely and just look forward. i don't believe in the whole write-down-your-goals deal. we all know that we end up writing down more goals than we can handle and we forget more than  half of them by the middle of february. just live them! don't write them down- live them!

i've decided that with this new year i am not going to care what people think of me- their opinion doesn't matter anymore. i am going let out the me that i have been nervous to let out. i may be odd, but who cares? 

dear old self,

 SEE-YUH!!!

dear new self,

hello! it's nice to finally meet you!


Hello World
Lady Antebellum
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